Resident Evil Star Wars
by Liquid
Summary: See what happens when I cross characters from Resident Evil into Starwars. Special appearance by Liquid.
1. Wesker Attacks

A few days ago, in a place not very far away...

RESIDENT EVIL STAR WARS

Episode 4 We might as well go home

It is a period of civil war. Rebel janitors somehow stole a bunch of ships, and attacked the evil umbrella empire head-on. But somehow they won, so that's ok.

During the battle, an imperial technition, who showed up drunk for duty, acidently beamed the entire plan for the death star to one of the rebel ships. Then through a bazarr twist of events, the plans ended up in the hands of Claire Redfield.

Persued by umbrella's sinister agents, she races home aboard her starship. In her heart she knows that she won't get away, but what fun would it be if she didn't try?

Hopelessly outgunned, the small spacecraft shot across, well, space as the much larger umbrella ship closed in.

After a few hits, it was dead in the water.

"What was that"? C3P0 asked as the ship stopped moving.

"Bwee, boop, weeee, doooooo". R2D2 replied.

"Just my imagination"? "The whole ship is shaking".

"Bee, boo, dweee, doo".

"It is not just the wind, and I will not go back to sleep".

Suddenly a bunch of guys in RPD uniforms ran past them, and took up positions by the door.

"What's going on"? C3PO asked. "We're doomed"!

"Bwee, doooooooo". R2D2 replied.

"I am not just being a bitch". "Do you know what they do to captured droids"? "They make us sex slaves, and it will be worse for us because we don't have genitals".

"Doo, weep, boop".

"What do you mean, speak for yourself"?

"Boop, wee, doop".

"No, I've never wondered why they call you tripod".

Suddenly the airlock door exploded, and withing a matter of seconds, the RPD guys were over run by the zombies. A few seconds later, Wesker stepped out. He slicked back his hair, and struck his cool guy pose as the zombies captured or killed the RPD guys.

Meanwhile, C3PO and R2D2 had become seperated.

"Now, where did that stumpy mother fucker go". C3P0 asked as he avoided the zombies. "Probibaly impersonating a toilet somewhere".

He ducked into a hallway, and saw R2D2 getting something from a red haired girl. She inserted something into him, and ran off.

"And just where the fuck have you been"? C3P0 asked as R2D2 came toward him.

"Bwee, boo, beep". R2D2 replied.

"I doubt that she was giving you head".

C3P0 followed him to the escape pods.

"What are you doing"? C3P0 asked as the little droid got in. "You aren't allowed in there".

"Dwoop, deet, boop". He replied.

"I am not a momma's boy". "Now get out of there".

R2D2 suddenly activated his magnet, pulling his friend inside. Then he closed the door and it blasted off.

Meanwhile, Wesker was interrigating an RPD guy by giving him a horrible titty twister.

"How many inches are in a mile"? Wesker asked as the RPD guy screamed. "What's the difference between an orange"? "What is the capital of south carolina"? "How much wood could a wood chuck chuck"? "ANSWER ME, GOD DAMN YOU"!

The RPD guy passed out, so Wesker tossed him away.

"I WANT THOES PLANS"! He screamed as he started jumping up and down. "FIND MY SOME PRISONERS, NOW"! "NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW"!

The umbrella guards began searching, and soon they found Claire.

She imediatly kicked the first guard in the nuts, and the others started laughing as their leader fell over.

"Stun...her". He gasped as she ran away.

She ran down the hall and around the corner, slamming right into Wesker.

"Oh, god damn it". She said.

"Hello, your highness". He replied. "Where are the plans"?

"What plans"? She asked.

"The plans for my new easy bake oven, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK"? "Now you can either tell me where the plans to the death star are hidden, or I can make you watch 6 streight house of Carrot Top".

"Alright, I'll tell you". "I shoved them up the ass of one of your guards, but I don't remember which one".

"TAKE HER AWAY"!

They took her away, and Wesker put on a long rubber glove.

"Alright, men". He ordered as he snapped the glove. "Line up, bend over, and touch your toes". "You will now recieve the fist of fury".

The umbrella guards screamed as the escape pod shot down toward the planet. 


	2. Droids For Sale

The sun was high, and the sand was hot as the droids moved away from the escape pod.

"This is bullshit". C3PO said. "How come we always land on the suck ass worlds"?

"Bee, boop, bwee, doo". R2D2 replied.

"Don't you tell me to shut up".

"Dwoo, beep, dweep".

"Yes, I'm sure that I'm not a woman". "What does that have to do with anything"?

"Deep, dweep, boop, beep".

"Secret mission"? "What plans"?

"Boo, beep, doop, dwee".

"You're a lunatic". "There is no mission, there are no plans, and we are stuck in the middle OF A GOD DAMN DESERT"!

"Dwoo, beep".

"How could it possibly be any worse"?

Suddenly the jawas jumped out and stunned both of them.

A few hours later C3PO woke up in the sand crawler. There were all sorts of strange droids around him.

He was trying to find R2D2, when he bumped into someone.

"Watch it". He said.

"Terribly sorry". C3PO replied. "Wait a minute, aren't you John Kerry"?

"Yeah, what of it"?

"Why are you here"?

"The jawas captured me after the last election, and they can't find anyone to buy me".

"You're a droid"?

"Yeah, why do you think that only my mouth moves when I talk"?

"Good point, well, good luck".

He continued walking until he bumped into something else.

"R2". He said. "R2, wake up".

"Dee, doooooooo". R2D2 said as he woke up.

"No, you can't have five more minutes". "We are in real danger".

"Doo, beep, de, poo, beep".

"I am not being a pussy".

Suddenly the sandcrawler stopped, and the ramp opened as a bunch of jawas came in. They moved the droids outside at gunpoint, and made them walk around for a couple of people.

Enricho and Chris came out, and started looking at the droids.

"Hey, uncle Enricho". Chris said. "How about that one"?

Enricho smacked him in the back of the head.

"Did I tell you to talk"? Enricho asked. "I swear, I'll never understand how one boy can be so worthless and stupid". "The last thing I need is for your stupidity to ruin my bargains on these droids, so go over there and kick the shit out of yourself until I'm done".

Chris walked away, and started beating his own ass as Enricho looked at the droids. He bought C3PO and a red droid, but the red one exploded.

"Uncle Enricho". Chris said. "The red one exploded".

"What the fuck did you do this time"? He replied.

"Nothing, it just blew up".

"Silence"! "Your pleas for mercy will not be heard"! "You are guilty, so continue to beat your own ass"!

Chris continued to hit himself as Enricho bought R2D2.

"Chris". Enricho said. "Stop hitting yourself, and get these droids cleaned up".

"But I wanted to go to toshi's station to get some power converters". Chris whined.

"You can waste time with your friends when your chores are done". "Wait a minute, you don't have any friends". "Get thoes droids cleaned up so that you will be out of the house long enough for me to bang your aunt Rebecca".

"How can she be me aunt when she's younger then me"?

"Chris, one of these days when you get some hair on your nuts you will understand that it is a great honor for a man my age to get a woman who is twenty years younger then himself". "NOW GET OUT OF MY SIGHT"!

The droids followed Chris into the garage as Enricho went into the house.

"Dwee, boop". R2D2 said.

"I agree". C3PO replied as they entered the garage. "He is a little bitch". 


	3. Help Me, Liquid

Chris put C3PO into an oil bath, and grabbed a hydrospanner so that he could clean R2D2.

"This oil bath is going to feel so good". C3PO said as he was lowered in. "I was beginning to think that there was no hope at all for this piece of shit planet". "By the way, what planet is this"?

"Hillbilly hell is what most of us call it". Chris replied.

"Oh, that's just great". "Oh, well, it can't be any worse then where we were in the rebellion".

Chris suddenly jumped up.

"WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THE REBELLION"?! He screamed.

"Not much, I'm afraid". C3PO replied. "But based on my physical and mental scans of you, the information would cause you to hurt yourself".

Not sure what to think, Chris went back to R2D2. He got the hydrospanner ready, but the droid backed away.

"Beep, be, de, dwoop"? R2D2 asked.

"He wishes to know exactly what the hell you are doing"? C3PO translated.

"Oh". Chris replied. "I'm going to open you up, and pry off all the gunk and rust from your circuits".

"Beep, doop, bweep, bwoop". R2D2 replied.

"R2, don't be rude". C3PO warned. "You don't even know his mother".

Chris moved in with the tool, but a panal opened, and a boxing glove struck him in the face, knocking him on his ass.

"Bee, woop, dweep, doooooo". R2D2 said.

"What did he say"? Chris asked.

"Sir". C3PO replied. "R2 says that if you ever try that again, he is more then ready to take your manhood".

"What the hell does that mean"?

Suddenly a light came out of R2D2, and it displayed an image of Claire.

"Liquid". She said. "Get off your drunken ass, and help me".

"Who is that"? Chris asked.

"She was a passenger on our last voyage". C3PO replied.

"Dwee, bo, boop". R2D2 added.

"How would you know if she's good in bed or not"?

"Beep, doo, bweep".

"You were not with her last night".

The message continued to play for a few seconds, and then shut off. Chris was about to investigate, when he heard a sound.

"CHRIS"! Enricho screamed. "Get your good for nothing ass down here before I skull drag you across the north twenty"!

He ran downstairs, and sat down at the table.

"Are the droids cleaned up"? Enricho asked.

"Almost". He replied.

"What do you mean, almost"? "I swear to god if you half ass one more thing around here, I'm gonna hang you from the roof by your balls".

"I think that little R2 unit might have been stolen".

"What do you mean"?

"I found a message in it for a guy named Liquid".

Enricho dropped his spoon, and Rebecca's head banged under the table.

"What's wrong"? Chris asked.

"Is that mother fucker around here"? Enricho asked.

"I don't think so".

"Last time he was around here it took us 2 weeks to clean up the carpets, and our garbage was scattered for miles". "If you ever see that drunken ass clown, your orders are to shoot to kill".

"Wow, you hate this guy, huh"?

"He trashed our house, and screwed your aunt while I was passed out".

"Twice". Rebecca said from under the table.

Enricho kicked her, and grabbed Chris by the shirt collar.

"First thing tomorrow". He said. "After I give you your morning ass beating, you will take that droid to have it's memory erased".

He released Chris, pushed him back into his chair, and picked up his spoon.

"I've been thinking". Chris said.

"I doubt that". Enricho replied.

"We have plenty of droids, and all that, so I wanted to apply to the academy this year".

"Chris, we've been over this a dozen times". "How can you expect to fly a spacecraft, when you can't even run without crashing into something".

Chris suddenly dropped his spoon, and ran away crying.

"Wait for it". Enricho said.

Chris ran around the corner, and suddenly there was the sound of glass breaking, and paint cans falling to the floor.

"I'm ok"! Chris called.

"What did I tell you"? Enricho asked.

Chris ran into the garage, and was startled by C3PO.

"It wasn't my fault". The droid said. "Please don't deactivate me".

"I can't even use a microwave". Chris replied. "How would I deactivate you"?

"He's gone mad". "I told him to stop, but he babbled something about his mission, told me not to be such a bitch, and then he ran off".

They ran outside, and Chris tried to use his scope to find the lost droid.

"I can't see anything". He said. "It's too dark".

"Take off the lens cap, sir". C3PO replied.

He took the cap off, but still couldn't find anything.

"We'll have to wait till morning". Chris said.

"Chris"! Enricho yelled. "If I find anything wrong with thoes droids, I'm gonna reach down your throat, grab your ass, and turn you inside out"!

"Or we could go now".

Chris and C3PO jumped into the landspeeder, and Chris hit the gas. But it was in reverse, so they crashed into the garage wall.

"D for drive, sir". C3PO said.

Chris put it into gear, and they took off across the desert. 


	4. The Hermit Of The Dunes

The landspeeder tore across the desert, bouncing off rocks, small lizards, and anything else unfortionate enough to get anywhere near Chris while he was behind the wheel.

"Sir". C3PO said as they continued bumping into things. "Are you sure that it's safe to travel at these speeds in this vehical"?

"Oh, sure". Chris replied as they plowed thru a hen house. "This thing's great on safety".

"According to your uncle, there have been some problems with the breakes".

"Yeah, they were sparking and grinding for awhile, so I took them out". "But, don't you worry, because the new ones come in next week".

"WHAT"?!

"Hey, there's a droid on the radar, dead ahead". "So, we must go faster".

Chris hit the gas, and C3PO looked at the radar more closely.

"That's not a droid on the scanner". The droid warned. "That's a potato chip crumb".

"Then I guess that clif right behind it is just a piece of leftover turkey". Chris replied. "No problem".

They suddenly started screaming as the landspeeder shot over the edge of a clif.

Meanwhile, R2D2 was sliding along the rocks, when a faint sound. It slowly got louder, but then stopped as the landspeeder slammed into the ground, and came to a screeching hault not more then 3 inches from him.

"Bweep, boo, doo, doop". R2D2 asked as they pulled themselves out of the wreckage.

"What did he say"? Chris asked.

"He wishes to know". C3PO said. "If you got your drivers license out of a crackerjack box".

"Nayh". "I sent in two proof of purchace's from Lucky Charmes".

They began looking at the landspeeder.

"Hey". Chris said happily. "This thing might even be usable again". "I'm getting better".

R2D2 started freaking out, and then he hid behind a large rock.

"R2 says that several creatures are approaching". C3PO explained. "He suggests that we droids hide, while you should go and check it out by yourself".

C3PO was walking away, when 2 sand people jumped out and grabbed Chris before he could react. They were then joined by 5 more creatures, along with another who was obviously their leader.

They held Chris's arms as the leader came closer and looked at him.

"Uh". Chris said. "Hi".

"AHHHHHHHHHH"! The leader screamed.

"Um, ok".

"Equincu Orcha"! "EQUINCU ORCHA"!

"3PO, what does equincu orcha mean"?

"White devil, sir". C3PO replied.

"OBOOGEY SOMEGROBEMU MATTA HOWERROUI"! The leader screamed.

"What did he say"? Chris asked.

"I believe, sir". C3PO began. "That he has instructed his men to hold your arms, while he kicks you in the nuts until you pas out".

30 seconds later Chris was passed out on the ground, and the sandpeople were trying to salvage parts from the landspeeder. It looked like all was lost, until they heard the sound of glass breaking.

There was now a shattered whiskey bottle on the ground, and a second later, another bottle shattered against the leader's head as a figure stumbled toward them.

"You mother fuckers"! He screamed as he stumbled closer. "Get off my lawn"!

The sandpeople screamed and ran off, allowing the figure to come closer to Chris. He knelt down next to him, and began diging thru Chris's pockets.

"Let's see". He said. "We got a mickey mouse watch, a barney and friends wallet, a 20 year old never been used condom, and a credit card reciept for a penis enlarger pump".

R2D2 made a noise as the person took off his hood, revealing that it was Liquid. His eyes were bloodshot, and he smelled of cheap alcohol.

"Hey, you"! Liquid yelled. "Come here"!

R2D2 slowly came over to him, and Liquid stepped on his front leg, opening the top of the droid like a trash can. Then he leaned over, and threw up inside the droid, causing it to short circuit.

Once he was finished, the droid closed up, and a few seconds later, Chris sat up.

"Liquid"? He asked. "Aw, shit".

He quickly checked himself, and hung his head as he realised that he had been once again robbed.

"Why do you keep taking my stuff"? Chris asked.

"I didn't take anything". Liquid replied. "I healed you with my jedi healing powers".

"You're wearing my mickey mouse watch".

"This isn't yours".

"Yes it is, because I know for a fact that you hate mickey mouse". "Now, give me my stuff back".

"Poor guy, you're obviously dilerious from that blow to the head".

"What blow to the head"?

Liquid suddenly punched him in the forehead, and stood up.

"We had best get indoors". Liquid said. "This sunlight aint helping my hangover".

C3PO followed Liquid up toward his house, while R2D2 dragged Chris. 


	5. The Message And The Mission

They followed Liquid up the hill, until they reached a run down doublewide trailer. There were beer cans laying around, along with empty potato chip bags, and shattered whiskey bottles.

"Home sweet home". Liquid said as he pulled open the door.

They went inside, and soon Chris started to wake up.

"What happened"? He asked.

"You were about to tell me what the hell you were doing on my property". Liquid replied.

"Oh, yeah". "I got ths droid, and he says that he has a message for you".

R2D2 wasted no time in projecting the message.

"Hello, Liquid". Claire said. "I hope that you aren't too drunk to understand this, and no I'm not going to do a strip tease for you".

"Damn it". Liquid said.

"I can't believe that I've been reduced to asking for help from something as worthless as you, but my ship has come under attack, and I have nowhere else to turn". "You must get this droid to Alderan, and yes, you will be heavily compensated for your time". "Liquid, get off your drunken ass, and help me".

The message ended, and the image faded away.

"Chris". Liquid said. "You must learn the ways of the force, if you are to come with me to Alderan".

"What's the force"? Chris asked.

"The force is what gives a jedi like me their power". "Which reminds me that I have something for you". "Your uncle didn't want you to have it, because you are a complete chunkhead, but I figure, what the hell".

He tossed Chris the lightsabre, and he started playing with it.

"This is the weapon of a jedi knight". Liquid explained. "In the right hands it can be far more deadly then a blaster, so it should be pretty harmless in your's". "Ah, I long for the days when there were hundreds of us, and we were still welcome in our tower on Corasaunt".

"What was it like on Corasaunt"? Chris asked as he turned off the lightsabre.

Liquid thought for a second.

(FLASHBACK)

The jedi masters were sitting around their council room, when suddenly they jumped up as the music began to play.

"We're knights of the round table". They sang. "We dance whenever able". "We do routines, and chourus scenes, our footwork is unstable". "We dine well here on Corasaunt, we eat ham, and jam, and spam alot".

They started running around the room, while others began jumping up and down on the table.

"We're knights of the round table". They sang. "Our joust, our form, are able". "Though many times, we get mad rhymes, that are unpronouncable". "We have a good time here on Courasaunt, we sing from the diaphramalot".

They linked arms and started doing the can-can.

"In war we're tough and able". They continued. "But indenyably unstable". "But between each quest, we do our best, to impersonate clark gable". "It's a great life here on Courasaunt, we have to push the phramalot".

They danced for another few seconds, and all struck a pose as the music stopped.

(FLASHFORWARD)

"On second thought". Liquid said. "Forget about Courasaunt". "It is a silly place". "But for now we must go to Alderan".

"NOT SO FAST, SWEENY TOAD"! Chris screamed. "I can't go to Alderan with you"!

"Why not"? "And what the hell is a sweeny toad"?

"I have chores to do, and I'm already in for it as it is". "And it's so far away from here".

"That sounds like your uncle Enricho talking". "But I need you for a decoy, er I mean, uh, I need your help".

"But uncle Enricho will kick my ass".

"Chris, my boy, you are forgeting that the first step to solving any problem is to stop being a bitch". "But if it makes you feel any better, we don't have to tell your uncle". "We can just sneak away".

"No". "I could never do that". "Look, I can take you as far as Anchorhead, or wherever you need to go, but then I have to go back home".

Suddenly Liquid drew his lightsabre, and he held the dark purple blade less then a centimeter away from Chris's neck.

"What makes you think I won't cut you"? Liquid asked.

"I mean". Chris quickly said. "Of course I want to go with you".

Liquid used the force to repair the speeder, and 5 minutes later they were flying across the desert.

Liquid had taken the wheel, and was drinking from his latest bottle of scotch as the landspeeder weaved around rocks.

Chris and C3PO screamed as they covered their eyes, but R2D2 seemed to be enjoying himself.

"Bweep, doo, beep". R2D2 said.

"Don't encourage him, R2". C3PO replied.

Suddenly Liquid slammed on the breakes, and the landspeeder came screeching to a hault in front of a damaged sandcrawler. The tracks were destroyed, and there were dead jawas everywhere.

"Why are we here"? Chris asked as Liquid jumped out. "Are we going to try and help"?

"Hell no". Liquid replied. "I just want to see if they got any cool stuff we can steal".

He looked at the wreckage for a second.

"This thing was destroyed by umbrella guards". He said. My guess is that they wanted the droids".

"But if they tracked them to this place". Chris said. "Then they might have figured out who they sold them to, and that would lead them back home".

"Sir". C3PO said. "You will most likely be killed if you attempt

Liquid suddenly clamped his hand over C3PO's mouth.

"Hurry, Chris". He said. "You might be able to save them".

Chris jumped into the landspeeder, threw it into gear, and flew full speed right into the sand crawler.

"Holy shit, rocketman"! Liquid yelled.

Chris backed up, and then took off toward his house as fast as he could.

Once he got home, he found two skeletons, and cried like a bitch as he drove away.

"It worked". Enricho said as he and Rebecca came out of hiding. "Thoes bill collector's bodies really did the trick". "If we're lucky, he'll run off in some stupid fit of revenge, and get himself killed".

Chris got back to the sandcrawler just as Liquid had finished looting the place.

"How the fuck did he survive"? Liquid asked.

"Bwee, boo, de, doop". R2D2 replied.

"Oh, well, I guess we're stuck with him".

"I want to come with you". He said. "I want to learn the ways of the force, and be a jedi so that I can get cool powers, and maybe even have sex with something other then my hand for once".

Liquid patted him on the shoulder, and they all got back into the speeder. Chris then put in into gear, and backed into a rock.

"Idiot"! Liquid yelled as he smacked Chris in the back of the head. "D for drive"!

Chris tried again, and they headed off to find a pilot. 


	6. Mos Eisley

Inside the Death Star, Wesker walked down the hall, toward the interrigation room where Claire was being held.

He opened the door, and sat at the desk across from her. Then he set his lightsabre on the desk, followed by a blaster, a jar of peanut butter, a pair of fuzzy handcuffs, a dominatrix whip, a red ball gag, and a sucsion cup dildo.

"And now, your highness". He said. "We will discuss the location of your hidden base".

Meanwhile, back on Tattoone, the landspeeder had stopped at the top of a hill, overlooking a settlement.

"Mos Isley Spaceport". Liquid said. "Nothing but gambling, drinking, and strippers that put out". "It was a great place to live before they arrested me for all thoes prostitute murders".

"Did you do it"? Chris asked.

"I was aquited on all charges".

"But did you do it"?

"Chris, you need to stop living in the past". "Look toward the future with an open mind, that's the jedi way".

"Well, ok". "But, Liquid, why did we stop up here"?

"I wanted to try a new expieriment". "I need to see if a human moving at the maximum possible speed can beat a landspeeder".

"Well, how are you gonna do that"?

Liquid suddenly pushed Chris down the hill, and then he jumped into the speeder as he rolled faster toward the bottom.

Chris bounced and rolled, crashing into rocks, and throwing up from the dizzyness before finally reaching the bottom.

"I didn't think so". Liquid said as Chris stopped rolling. "Well, hurry up then, we don't have all day".

Chris pulled himself into the speeder, and they drove into the city. But not five minutes passed before they were stopped by Umbrella guards.

"How long have you had these droids"? The captain asked.

"About three or four seasons". Chris replied.

"Let me see your identification".

"You don't need to see his identification". Liquid said as he waved his hand.

"I don't need to see his identification".

"You searched the wrong speeder".

"I searched the wrong speeder".

"You and your men should give us all your credits as an apoligy".

"We should give you our credits as an apoligy".

The guards handed over their credits, and stood there with blank expressions on their faces.

"All of you, listen close". Liquid continued. "The man to your right is a rebel spy". "You should kill him".

The guards quickly shot eachother, and Liquid continued driving toward the cantina.

"How did we get past those guards"? Chris asked as Liquid pulled up to the cantina. "I thought we were dead".

"That's what you get for thinking, Chris". Liquid replied as they got out. "You will find that the force can make a moron do whatever you want".

"I don't believe it".

Liquid looked Chris in the eye, and waved his hand.

"You want to open mouth kiss that dewback over there". He said.

"I want to open mouth kiss that dewback over there". Chris replied.

Chris ran over to the animal, and gave it the tounge. A second later he snapped out of it, and hung his head as Liquid and the droids started laughing at him.

"Ok, I believe you". Chris said as he walked back over to them.

"Good". Liquid replied. "Now, shall we continue"?

Chris looked at the door.

"Do you really think we can find a pilot in there"? He asked.

"No". Liquid replied. "But we CAN find scotch whiskey and twi'lek hookers". "Oh, and be careful, this place can get a little rough".

They walked into the cantina, and Liquid headed right for the bar.

"HEY"! The bartender yelled at Chris. "GET THOES FUCKING DROIDS OUTA HERE"!

The droids left, and Chris sat down next to Liquid.

"Barkeep". Liquid said. "Think of the one drink that is so horrible that you wouldn't give it to your worst enemy, and make me a double".

Once the drink was there, Liquid began talking to a rather large man, and then someone bumped into Chris.

"Watch where the fuck you're going"! The man screamed.

"Sorry". Chris replied.

"Mother fucker do you know who I am"?

"Uh, no".

"I'm James T. Kirk, Captain of the Enterprise". "And this guy next to me who is about to beat your ass is Mr. Spock".

"GOD DAMN IT, CHRIS"! Liquid screamed. "I look away for 5 seconds, and you start shit with a vulcan". "Now we have to kill them".

Spock did the vulcan nerve pinch to Chris, and Liquid quickly cut Kirk in half with his lightsabre.

"Mr. Spock". Liquid said. "We meet again, at last".

"There is no need for more violence". Spock replied. "Now that Kirk is dead, I command the ship".

Liquid suddenly cut his head off, and turned off the lightsabre.

"Tuvok was better"! Liquid yelled. "Live long and prosper, HAHAHAHAHA"!

He walked over to Chris, and picked him up.

"What happened"? Chris asked.

"You got your ass beat, again". Liquid replied. "I mean, really, Chris, why are you so worthless"?

"I don't know". He replied.

"No matter, I just had a talk with Mr. Burton, who is first mate on a ship that might suit us".

They walked deeper into the cantina. 


	7. Passage To Alderan

On the Death Star, the Umbrella managers were arguing about dumb shit. A minute later, Wesker and Alfred Ashford walked in, and everyone got quiet as they sat down. 

"Have you learned anything about the rebels"? Alfred asked.

"No". Wesker replied. "Her resistance to my, um, interrigation methods is commendable".

"No need for that". Nikoli said. "We can just blow up every planet in this system that is suspected of harboring rebels".

"Not so fast, my evil minion"! "You assume too much"! "One of these days, you'll go too far"!

"What do you mean"?

"The ability to destroy a planet, is bullshit next to the power of the force".

"Oh, please, Wesker". "Your sad devotion to that ancient religion makes me want to go home and spank my monkey". "Actually, that's a pretty good idea". "Anyway, this station is now the ultimate power in this galexy, and you would go good to remember that".

Wesker quickly slid his chair over to Nikoli, then he quietly reachdown, and squeezed the russian's nuts as hard as he could. This caused Nikoli to scream like a woman, and he began banging his fists on the table while tears came out of his eyes.

"I find your lack of faith disturbing". Wesker said as he held the death grip. "And your ignorance causes my physical pain".

"Wesker, release him". Alfred ordered.

"You want to be next"?

"No".

"Then mind your buisness".

Nikoli soon passed out, and Wesker released him.

Suddenly a lightbulb went off above Alfred's head.

"I GOT IT"! He screamed. "SET COURSE TO ALDERAN"!

(dramatic music is played)

Meanwhile, back on Tattoone, Liquid and Chris followed Barry to a back table, where another man was sitting.

"I'm Leon Kennedy, Captain of the Aluminum Mallard". He said as they sat down. "Chuchilla here says that you are looking for passage to the Alderan system".

"My name's Barry". Barry said.

Leon suddenly rolled up a newspaper, and began swatting Barry with it.

"So, what's the cargo"? Leon continued.

"None". Liquid replied. "Only passengers". "Myself, this meat head sitting next to me, 2 droids, and no questions asked".

"What is it, some kind of local trouble"?

"Mother fucker, I said no questions asked". "But, let's just say that we'd like to avoid any Umbrella interference".

Leon got a shit-eating grin on his face, and he knew that this would make him a fourtion.

"10,000". He said. "All in advance".

"10,000"? Chris asked. "We could get our own ship for that".

"But who's gonna fly it"? "You"?

Liquid suddenly busted out laughing.

"Chris couldn't fly his way out of a wet paper bag". Liquid said. "So, I'll tell you what". "We can give you two thousend now, and another 13 when we reach Alderan".

"You got yourself a deal". Leon replied. "Hanger 93, we can leave as soon as you're ready".

Liquid and Chris walked away, and Leon was all happy.

"17,000"! He screamed. "I'LL BE ABLE TO PAY OFF IORN'S THE HUTT"! "WE'RE SAVED, CHUCHILLA"!

"Barry". He replied. "My name's Barry".

"Chuchilla, go warmup the ship"!

Barry grumbled as he walked away. Then Leon turned around, and came face to face with Joseph's blaster.

"Where's Iorn's money"? He asked.

"I'll have it for him in three days".

"Oh, ok".

Joseph suddenly kicked him in the nuts, and hit him in the face with his blaster.

"You got till five o'clock, mother fucker". Joseph warned. "Now, get your silly ass outa here".

Leon ran crying out of the cantina, and Joseph finished Leon's drink.

Meanwhile, outside the cantina...

"We'll have to sell your speeder". Liquid said.

"Ok". He replied. "I'm never coming back here again".

"On, second thought, that won't work".

"Why not"?

"Because your speeder's gone".

Chris looked, and it was true that his speeder had in fact been stolen. He looked around, but it was nowhere in sight.

"Alright, Chris". Liquid said. "I have one more plan, and you aren't gonna like it, but desperate times call for desperate measures".

"What is it"? Chris asked.

"I want you to put on this dress, and go work the corner".

Chris just kind of stood there as if he was confused.

"You want me to what"? Chris asked.

"Just put on this dress, and go make us some money". Liquid replied. "Just think of it as taking one for the team". "Remember that a jedi's life is sacrifice".

"But I don't want to".

Liquid then sprinkled some baby powder on his hand, and smacked Chris.

"Don't you sass me, ho". Liquid said. "No go get the money".

Chris hung his head as he walked away, and Liquid turned around to see R2D2 and C3PO.

"Sir". C3PO said. "We sold the speeder, and got 5,000".

"Hey, good job guys". Liquid said. "Hey, Chris, nevermind about the dress"..."Chris"? "Chris"?

They looked around, and 15 minutes later Chris came back walking funny.

"Where the hell have you been"? Liquid asked.

"I made three thousend". He replied.

"Well, uh, um, good job". "That should be enough".

"Bweep, deep, doo, bweep". R2D2 said.

"R2 says". C3PO translated. "That he had his suspisions about Chris's sexual preference from the beginning".

"Nevermind about that". Liquid said. "We need to leave".

"Why, did you sence a disturbance in the force"? Chris asked.

"No, but I didn't pay for my drink, and now the guards are after us.

They ducked down a hallway as the guards began searching.


	8. On The Road

Leon entered the hanger, and saw Iorns the hutt, along with several bounty hunters surrounding his ship.

"Kennedy"! Iorns screamed. "Kennedy, come out this damn minute"!

Leon decided to leave, so he silently turned around toward the exit, only to come face to face with Hunk's blaster.

"Shit". Was all he could say.

Hunk pushed him into the hanger, and all of the bounty hunters turned their blasters on him.

"Well, well". Iorns said as he waddled over. "If it isn't Leon CHICKEN SHIT Kennedy".

"Hi, Iorns". Leon replied.

"I feel as if you have been avoiding me for the past few days".

"I wouldn't run away from you, Iorns".

"Why not"? "You dumped your cargo and ran away from thoes Umbrella ships". "And we saw you trying to sneak out of here just a second ago". "Will someone please hit him"?

Hunk ran up, and kicked him in the nuts, dropping him to his hands and knees. Then the other bounty hunters began hitting him with their blasters.

"That's enough". Iorns ordered.

They stopped hitting him, and backed away.

"Ok, pretty boy". Iorns said. "You have 30 seconds to tell me why I shouldn't let my friends here rip off your dick, and shove it down your throat".

"I'll have your money tomorrow". Leon said. "I got some chump paying me 15,000 for passage to Alderan".

Iorns thought for a second, and then kicked Leon in the nuts.

"You have until tomorrow". He said. "Alright, boys, lets get outa here".

They left, and Leon was just getting up, when Liquid's group came in.

"What the hell happened to you"? Liquid asked.

Chris took a look at the ship, and got a confused look on his face.

"That thing looks like a garbage scow". He said.

"Don't be stupid". Liquid said as he looked. "Wait a second, that is a garbage scow".

"She may not look like much". Leon said. "But she has it where it counts".

"Is it fast"?

"You bet your asteroids it is". Barry said as he came out of the ship.

"Chuchilla"! Leon yelled. "Where were you while I was getting my ass pummled"?

"WOAH"! "THIS HANGER IS DANGEROUS"!

Barry suddenly ran back into the ship.

"What did he mean"? Liquid asked.

Suddenly the Umbrella guards broke into the hanger, and started firing randomly. In response to this, everyone ran for the ship.

"Chuhilla"! Leon screamed as they got in. "GET US OUTA HERE"!

Barry hit the gas, and plowed right through the hanger wall. The ship continued to plow through wall after wall, murdering dozens of people.

"Up, Chuchilla"! Leon yelled. "UP"!

"But, I'm afraid of heights"! Barry yelled. "And stop calling me Chuchilla"!

Leon grabbed the controls, and pulled up, making them leave the planet. But they were not 5 feet away, when a million Umbrella ships were on their ass.

Liquid sat in the seat behind Leon, and soon Chris ran into the cockpit.

"BUTTONS"! He screamed. "What does that do"? "What does this one do"? "Why is that one flashing"? "Are we there yet"?

Liquid suddenly brought up his fist, knocking Chris on his ass.

"Thanks". Leon said.

"Just get us out of here". Liquid replied. "Because if you get us killed, I'm gonna spend my afterlife kicking your ass".

A few seconds later they went into hyperspace, and everyone relaxed.

Leon put it on autopilot, and walked into the back. Barry was playing cards with the droids, and Liquid was watching Chris try to block blaster shots with the lightsabre.

"I have saved us from certain death"! He shouted. "Worship me"!

Liquid chucked an unopen can of beer, whacking Leon in the face, and making him fall to the floor screaming.

Meanwhile, Barry was getting angry at how the game was going.

"WHAT IS THIS"?! He screamed as he slammed his card down on the table.

"That would be a three card, sir". C3PO explained.

"Oh". "Um...are you sure"?

"Yes, sir".

"Ok".

Suddenly Chris screamed as the hovering droid shot him in the leg.

"What the hell is your problem"? Liquid asked. "We all know that you're dumb, Chris, but come on now".

Liquid then grabbed a helmet, and stood up.

"I suggest that you try it again". He said as he put the helmet on Chris's head. "And this time don't be such a dumbass".

He put the blast shield down, and Chris freaked out.

"How am I supposed to fight"? Chris asked. "I can't even see"!

Liquid then pulled his foot back, and slammed it into Chris's nuts, making him collapse screaming to the floor.

"The first rule of being a jedi". Liquid said. "Is to not question your master". "Not pick your worthless ass off the floor, and try again".

Chris slowly got up, and got into the ready stance as Liquid snuck over to a crate. Liquid then quietly pushed a button, releasing 6 more hovering droids that surrounded Chris.

"Are you ready"? Liquid asked.

"Yes". He replied.

"Are you sure"?

"Yes, let me have it".

"Ok".

Liquid then fell over laughing as the hover droids began blasting the shit out of Chris. 


	9. Into The Death Star

Claire was brought into the command center, where Alfred and Wesker were waiting for her. 

"Alfred Ashford". Claire said. "I recognised your foul stench when I came off the elevator".

"Charming as always". He replied.

"No, she's right". Wesker said. "You smell like you shit yourself".

"Hey, it's not my fault that we ran out of toilet paper again". "Anyway, on to business".

He picked up a remote control, and made the screen display Alderan.

"What the hell is this"? Claire asked.

"If you don't tell me where the rebel base is, we are going to blow your planet right to hell".

(dramatic music is played)

"No you won't". She replied. "You're too much of a bitch to destroy a planet".

"Damn, she's right". Alfred replied. "What are we gonna do, Wesker"?

"I got an idea". Wesker replied. "Why don't you just order someone else to push the button"?

"Wesker, that idea just might be crazy enough to work".

He pushed the button.

"Now hear this". Alfred ordered.

"Wait a second". Wesker warned. "You forgot to

"Don't interupt"! "Death Star beam fire"!

The beam fired, and the planet was destroyed.

"As I was saying". Wesker continued. "You forgot to find out where the rebel base was".

"Oh". Alfred replied.

Meanwhile on the Aluminum Mallard, Liquid suddenly stumbled into his chair, and held his head.

"Did you feel a great disturbance in the force"? Chris asked as he ran over to him. "As if millions of voices cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced"?

"What the fuck is wrong with you"? Liquid replied. "I mean, honestly, Chris, where do you pick this shit up"? "I never see you read". "It's almost like you're channeling crazy dead people, or something".

"Then why did you fall over in pain"?

"Because I drank too much, and now I have a hangover". "What the hell do they teach you kids in schools these days"?

Suddenly Leon came over the intercom.

"We are now approaching Alderan". He said.

Liquid and Chris walked into the cockpit, and sat down.

"Cutting light speed, now". Leon said as he pulled the handle.

They went back into normal space, and small asteriods began bouncing into the hull.

"What is this"? Barry asked.

"GOD DAMN IT, CHUCHILLA"! Leon screamed. "I SAID ALDERAN, NOT ASTEROIDS"! "HOW THE HELL DO YOU EVEN MAKE THAT MISTAKE"?!

"Oh, well". Liquid said. "No planet, so we might as well go home". "Hey, if we hurry, we might get back in time for American Gladiators".

"I think this is Alderan". Chris said. "It must have been destroyed by Umbrella".

Liquid smacked him in the back of the head.

"Don't be an idiot, Chris". Liquid warned.

"What is this"? Barry asked as he looked out the window.

There was a small moon in the distance, but soon it was alot bigger, and they saw that it was a space station.

"WOAH"! Barry screamed. "THIS PLACE IS DANGEROUS"!

"Good idea, Chuchilla". Leon replied. "Throw it into reverse".

But it was too late. A tractor beam had caught them, and they were being slowly dragged toward the giant space station.

"Chuchilla". Leon said. "Lock in the auxilery power".

"Are you kidding me"? Barry asked. "This is a garbage scow, we don't have any auxilery power".

"Well, when the fuck were you gonna tell me"?

"You're the captain, you should know this ship like the back of your hand".

"Oh, yeah"? "Did Kirk know his entire ship"?

"No, but that's why he had Scotty".

"Exactly, so EARN YOUR DAMN PAYCHECK"!

"But, you don't pay me".

Suddenly the ship jerked forward, and they were pulled into the docking bay. Less then a minute later, guards began filling the ship, and Wesker walked into the hanger.

"I smell something". He said. "It smells like...like...cheap grain alcohol"? "It can't be"!

Suddenly he ran screaming out of the hanger, and the guards continued to search the ship. Two guards were walking into the back room, when the floor slid open, and Leon pulled them in.

There was fighting for a second, but then the guards came back up, dragging Chris and Leon with them.

"What do you think these guys were trying to do"? Guard 1 asked.

"I don't know". Guard 2 replied. "But I've never met such pussys in my entire life". "We should report them to Wesker".

Suddenly Barry hit one with his gun, while the other was stabbed with Liquid's lightsaber.

"Stop being worthless". Liquid ordered. "Put on these damn uniforms, and try not to be so gay".

Chris and Leon put on the uniforms, and then they snuck off the ship.


	10. The Plan

"I am sure of it". Wesker said. "He is here".

"Are you sure"? Alfred asked.

"Yes, Liquid is here".

"I thought he was executed for a bunch of prostitute murders".

"So did I, but the search teams found an empty bottle of Jack in that ship".

"If he is here, then he must be killed in the most creative and inhumane way possible". "PREPARE THE GIANT EGG WISK"!

"No, escape is not his plan". "In fact, I doubt if he even HAS a plan".

"So, what should we do"?

"I must face him alone".

Meanwhile, our heroes had snuck their way into a guard room, and were planning their next move.

"Anyone got any ideas"? Liquid asked.

"I know". Chris said. "We could disable the tractor beam, and fight our way past all the guards, only to escape in such a heroic way that would make superman shit himself".

Liquid responded to this by smacking him in the back of the head.

"Don't be an ass clown". He said. "We need a real plan". "Can't that rolling garbage can hack into the computer or something"?

R2D2 rolled over to the computer, and plugged in. Soon the screen started flashing, and then R2D2 started beeping excitedly.

"What now"? Liquid asked.

"R2 says". C3PO translated. "That he has found the woman's locker room, and that it's shower time".

Liquid and Barry pushed their way to the front of the screen, and watched as the women soaped eachother up.

"What is this"? Barry asked.

"I believe that is called a 69". Liquid replied.

"Don't we need a plan"? Chris asked.

"SHUT UP"! Liquid and Barry yelled.

"I don't need to look at women". Leon said. "I'm so pretty that I can jerk off to my own reflection". "In fact, that's a pretty good idea".

He ran into the bathroom, and the others continued watching the screen until it suddenly changed, and R2D2 started beeping again.

"What is this"? Barry asked.

"R2 says". C3PO replied. "That he's found the princess in maximum security".

Suddenly the bathroom door was kicked open, and Leon stumbled out with his pants down.

"Princess"? He asked as he pulled up his pants. "What princess"?

"The one who sent the message". Chris replied. "We have to save her".

"Why"? Leon asked.

"Because". Liquid replied. "She's a hot piece of ass, and if we save her, then we can run a train on her, and Barry get's sloppy seconds".

"YES"! Barry screamed.

"Ok, here's the plan". Leon said. "We shave off our pubic hair, and use the shampoo for two weeks".

"That was last month". Barry whispered. "When you bought that hooker".

"SILENCE, CHUCHILLA"! "I WILL NOT TOLERATE YOUR INSULENCE"!

"Ok, how about this"? Liquid asked. "I'll take care of the tractor beam, and you three idiots figure out how to get yourselves kill...I mean to save the princess".

"EXCELLENT"! Chris screamed. "THREE MEN WITH THE MIND AND COURAGE OF ONE"!

"Exactly, Chris". "Now you guys have fun".

Liquid left the room, and the others tried to come up with a plan.

"Anyone got any ideas"? Leon asked.

Chris thought for a second, and then a light bulb came on over his head.

"I got it". He said as he picked up some handcuffs. "Come here, Barry".

He tried to put them on, but Barry freaked out, and hit him with his gun.

"What is this"? Barry asked.

"Relax, Chuchilla". Leon said. "I think I know what he has in mind".

"Really"?

"No, but let's try it anyway".

They put their uniforms back on, and took Barry away.

"I guess we should stay here, then"? C3PO asked as the door closed behind them. 


	11. Seperate Ways

Liquid quietly crept down the halls, trying to find the tractor beam. This seemingly simple task was becoming next to impossible, since the tractor beam could be anywhere on a space station the size of a small planet.

On top of that, every god damn hall looked the same, and he kept tripping over thoes little remote control car looking things.

"OW"! He yelled as another one rammed into his foot. "GOD DAMN IT"!

Suddenly he heard a couple of guards entering the hall, so he hid around a corner.

"What was that noise"? The first guard said as a question mark formed over their heads.

In response to this, Liquid banged his fist on the wall a few times.

"What was that noise"? The guard repeated. "Hey, who's footprints are these"?

They approached the hiding place, and were about to investigate, when Liquid leaped out, activated his lightsabre, and chopped the first guard in half. The second guard's qustion mark quickly turned into an exclamation point as he raised his rifle, but Liquid's lightsabre destroyed it.

"Oh, jesus". The guard said as he dropped what was left of his weapon. "I knew I should've been an accountant".

Liquid suddenly grabbed him, and slammed him up against the wall.

"Here's the deal". Liquid said. "You can either tell me where the tractorbeam is, or else".

"Or else what"? He asked.

"Or else I might be just drunk enough to close my eyes and pretend that you are a woman".

"NOOOOOOOOO"!

"TELL ME WHERE IT IS"!

"There's a sign right behind you"!

Liquid paused for a second, and then looked behind him, only to see a sign on the wall that read: Tractor Beam, and an arrow pointing to the left.

"Thanks". Liquid said as he let go of the guard. "You are free to go".

The guard took off running, and got about 30 feet away, when Liquid turned around, and tossed the lightsabre, cutting his head off.

Then the lightsabre flew back into his hand, and he began following the signs.

Meanwhile, Chris and Leon, still disguised as guards, were taking Barry to the cell block.

"What is this"? Barry asked.

"Silence, prisoner". Leon ordered as he pushed the elevator button. "Or we'll give you another enema".

The elevator doors opened, and Leon pushed Barry inside, while Chris walked into the wall.

"I can't see a thing in this helmet". Chris whined.

"Then maybe you should turn it around". Leon replied.

Chris turned the helmet so that it was facing forward, and got into the elevator. A moment later the doors closed, and it started upwards. All was going well, until they were hit with a horrible odor.

"Oh, my god"! Leon yelled as he covered his nose and mouth. "What in the name of Chris Farley's boxer shorts is that"?!

"Sorry, guys". Chris replied. "It was me".

"WOAH"! Barry screamed. "This elevator is dangerous"!

The steanch only got worse as they traveled upwards, and when the elevator doors finally opened, they pushed eachother out of the way in order to escape.

"Holy shit, Chris"! Leon yelled. "What the fuck did you eat"?!

"Hormel Chille". Chris proudly replied. "Liquid says it makes you fast because every boul takes 30 seconds off of your lifespan".

After they collected themselves, they walked into the guard station, and the guards came up to them.

"Where are you taking this thing"? The chief asked.

"Prisoner transfer from 1152746". Leon replied.

"And what did this one do"?

"He's a real sick bastard". "He sodimised and eviserated Jay Leno on live tv".

"Oh, my god". "Well, let's get him into the cell".

"NOW"! Leon yelled.

"Leon, wait"! Chris replied. "We forgot our guns"!

"Oh...well, that just sucks".

The guards leaped on them, and began beating the shit out of Chris and Leon, while Barry just stood there.

"What do we do now"? Chris asked as their beating continued.

"I've got an idea". Leon replied. "Whatever you do, Chris, do not move".

He reached into his pocket, and tossed a small stuffed mouse at Barry's feet.

"MOUSE"!!!!!! Barry screamed as ever hair on his body stood up, and his eyes became swirly.

He then snapped the handcuffs, and the guards screamed as he tackled them, and began tearing them limb from limb.

"MOUSE"!!!!!! He screamed again as he began beating a guard with his own leg.

A few minutes later Leon hid the mouse back in his pocket, and Barry calmed down once all the guards were dead.

"What the fuck"? Chris asked.

"Good job, Chuchilla". Leon said as they got up. "Now let's find this princess".

They walked over to the computer, and looked at it.

"So". Leon said. "Who here knows how to use a computer"? 


	12. Dangerous Situations

Liquid continued following the signs toward the tractor beam, until he came to a door. It opened for him, and he found himself in a decontamination booth. He pushed the button for it to start, and a bucket of water was dropped on his head.

"Decon complete". The computer said as the second door opened.

"Thanks, asshole". Liquid replied as he stepped out.

The hallway was filled with dead guards, and Liquid didn't want any more blood on his boots then nessessary, so he slowly stepped over them. But suddenly another guard stumbled around the corner, and grabbed him by the shirt collar.

"IT'S A GHOST"! He screamed. "AHHHHHHHHHHH"!

"What the fuck"? Liquid asked as the guard ran away screaming.

He continued down the hall, and entered the tractor beam room, only to see a barely visible figure waiting for him.

"Who are you"? Liquid asked as he activated his lightsabre.

"I'm like you, honey". The lispy voice replied. "I have no name".

Suddenly it became visible, and Liquid saw the bright pink exoskeleton.

"GAY FOX"! He yelled.

"Do you like my fabulous new suit, Liquid"? Gay Fox replied. "And speaking of fabulous, your ass looks scrumpsious in thoes robes".

"It does, doesn't it". "I mean, HEY"! "Didn't I kill you"?

"Fashon designers don't die, honey". "We just look more and more like Elton John". "Now let's talk about your hair".

"Maybe later". "Right now I have to shut down the tractor beam so that we can escape".

"Ooooooo, so sorrry, sweety, but I just can't let you do that".

"Why not"?

"Because my vibrator runs on the same circuit, and if you try to stop it, I will bitch slap you all the way to Liza Minulli's house".

They just stood there for a minute as Liquid tryed to decide what to do next. He had to shut down the tractor beam, but he also didn't want to risk this flaming homo getting anywhere near his ass.

"Let's just drop the silly fight business". Gay Fox said. "Instead we can go shoe shopping, because I saw the cutest little doc martins that are just to die for, and they would look fabulous with your robes".

"Doc martins"? Liquid asked. "I wouldn't be caught dead in thoes gay ass clown shoes". "And for this insult I must kill your ass".

He did a kamakazzi scream as he charged at his enemy.

Meanwhile back in the prison, the others had finally figured out how to turn on the computer, and now knew the location of the princess.

"I'll get her". Chris said. "You guys watch the door".

"WOAH"! Barry screamed. "THIS ROOM IS DANGEROUS"!

"God damn it, Chuchilla"! Leon yelled. "I swear that if you don't stop it, I will put you back in your box"!

Chris walked down the hall until he got to the right door. He then opened it, and saw no one.

"That's wierd". He said as he walked in.

Suddenly Claire came from behind, and broke a vase over his head, dropping him to the floor.

"Wait a second"! Chris yelled.

She kicked him in the mouth before he could finish, and then she grabbed him by the hair, and dragged him over to the toilet.

"You don't understand"! Chris screamed.

Before he could finish, Claire shoved his head into the toilet water, and slammed the toilet seat down on his head until he passed out. Then she kicked him one more time for good measure, and exited the cell.

"Hey, Chris". Leon said as he came down the hall. "I heard some noise, are you...hey, there beautiful".

She responded to this by kicking him in the nuts, and bashing his head into the wall.

"Chuchilla, help"! He screamed as she started punching him in the kidneys.

"WOAH"! Barry screamed. "THIS BITCH IS DANGEROUS"!

"GOD DAMN YOU, CHUCHILLA"!

Claire kept bashing his head into the wall for a few minutes, and tossed him into the garbage chute. Chris then stumbled out of the cell, only to be kicked in the nuts, and tossed down the same chute.

Claire then turned to escape, but was suddenly tackled by Barry, sending them both down the garbage chute.

Meanwhile, back in the tractorbeam room, the battle had begun. Liquid tried to hit him with his lightsabre, but Gay Fox's bondage whip was too fast. So he put the sabre back on his belt, and Gay Fox did the same.

"Fabulous, honey". The flaming homo said. "Now we can fight hand to hand, and I'm gonna scratch your eyes out".

They ran at eachother, and Liquid punched, but Gay Fox blocked it, and slapped him in the face.

"Hold on". Liquid said. "Did you just slap me"?

"I did, honey". Gay Fox replied.

Liquid then slapped him back, and Gay Fox gasped. They began slapping back and forth, until they both had red hand prints on their faces.

"Alright, this is stupid". Liquid said. "How about we put our differences aside, and go get our nails done"?

"Oooooooo"! Gay Fox shouted as he began jumping up and down. "Do you mean it, sweety"?

"Of course I do". "But first I need for you to tell me what that thing is on the other side of the room".

Gay Fox turned around to see what he was talking about, and Liquid quickly shoved him off the ledge.

"Take that, you flaming homo"! Liquid screamed as Gay Fox fell to his doom. "Now I'm gonna have to watch a whole season of macgyver to get rid of the evil fag-nastys".

Now that his enemy was gone, Liquid walked over to the tractorbeam, and lashed it with his lightsabre, destroying it. Power for the room shut down, and Liquid took this time to escape. 


	13. The Garbage Smasher

"God, this is gross". Leon said as he stood up.

The garbage dump they had fallen into smelled like hot sick ass, and it didn't help knowing that they were standing knee deep in other people's shit.

"It's not that bad". Chris replied. "It's just like when uncle Enricho used to drop me into the septic tank with a spoon to fix a drainage block".

Suddenly Claire and Barry fell into the dump.

"What is this"? Barry asked as he stood up. "Smells like pea soup".

He dunked his head under the filth-water, and came back up with shit all over his face.

"Chuchilla"! Leon yelled. "What did I tell you about eating human fecis"?

"Uh". He replied. "You said don't do it".

"And what are you doing right now"?

"Uh...eating human fecis".

"Correct". "Do you see what you are doing wrong"?

"Of course, how stupid of me".

Barry then pulled out a rib bib from his pocket, put it on, and then dove back under the sewage.

Chris turned to say something, but suddenly Claire jumped up, and whacked him with a pipe. Leon went for his gun, but Claire tossed the pipe at him, hitting him in the face.

"You umbrella freaks are all the same". She said as they tried to get back up.

Leon was almost up, when Claire kneed him in the nuts, and began punching him in the face.

"We're not umbrella"! Chris screamed.

"What"? Claire asked as she hit Leon one more time.

"I'm Chris Redfield, and we're here to rescue you".

"You're who"?

"We're here to rescue you, and we brought Liquid".

Claire hit Leon one more time, and pushed him to the floor.

"I think I'm in love". Leon said as he fell.

"You brought Liquid here"? Claire asked as she walked over to him. "Are you insane"?

"What do you mean"? Chris asked.

"He's a drunken pervert that finds a way to destroy almost everything he touches". "We need to get out of here before he does something stupid".

Chris suddenly jumped, and started looking at the water.

"Something just brushed past my leg". He said.

Suddenly Chris screamed as Barry leaped out from under the water, and tackled him.

"GET HIM OFF ME"! Chris squealed.

Leon took out a squirt gun, and began shooting Barry in the face.

"Down, Chuchilla"! He yelled. "Down"!

Barry backed away, and then there was another noise.

"What is this"? Barry asked.

Suddenly the walls began closing in.

"WOAH"! Barry screamed. "THIS ROOM IS DANGEROUS"!

"No shit, sherlock"! Claire yelled. "But what the hell do we do about it"?

Chris took out his communicator, and tried to contact the droids.

"C3PO come in". He said.

"What"? C3PO replied.

"I need you to shut down all the garbage smashers in the detention block".

"Why"?

"Because we are going to be smashed flat if you don't".

"BWEEP BOOP DWEEP BE DOOP". R2D2 said.

"Yes, R2". C3PO replied. "I imagine that we do gain our freedom if he dies".

The communicator went dead, and they were out of ideas.

"I KNOW"! Leon screamed as he took the mouse out of his pocket.

He tossed it onto the door, and Barry once again freaked out.

"MOUSE"! He screamed as he ran at it.

He crashed into the door, and plowed right through it, allowing them to get out just before the walls closed in.

Meanwhile, Liquid was on his way back to the ship.

He crept down hallway after hallway, until he came to a large room, where Wesker was waiting for him with his red lightsabre extended. Liquid also turned his on, and slowly walked into the room.

"I've been waiting for you, Liquid". Wesker said. "We meet again at last". 


	14. Wesker Vs Liquid

Liquid and Wesker stood in the center of the room, facing eachother.

"When I left you, I was but a learner". Wesker said. "But now I am the master".

"A master-BAITER, maybe". Liquid replied.

"I'm going to kill you, and prove my superiority once and for all".

"Oh please, Wesker". "You know I'm gonna beat you stupid, just like last time".

"THIS IS NOTHING LIKE LAST TIME"!

"Aw, did I strike a nerve"? "Is baby gonna cry"?

Wesker was starting to get mad, but then he calmed himself back down.

"It's time for a rematch". Wesker said. "One on one, mono e' mono, man to man, just you me AND MY GUARDS"!

Suddenly every door in the room opened, and Liquid soon found himself surrounded by Umbrella guards.

"Damn". He said.

Meanwhile, the others had changed back into their regular clothes, and were plotting their next move.

"So, princess". Leon said. "When you were kicking my ass back there, I realised that it was true love". "How about when this is all over, you and me get togather"?

"Look". Claire replied. "I'm not interested in you". "It's not because there's someone else, I'm not a lesbien, and I'm not worried about destroying any friendship that you feel we will get out of this".

"Then what is it"?

"It's because I find you so god damn creepy that you should have to wear a bell around your neck just so that we always know where you are".

"Did you just say lesbien"?

"I fucking give up". "Can we just get out of here"? "And will someone get this giant freak out of my way"?

"My name's Barry".

Suddenly the door opened, revealing a bunch of umbrella guards.

"It's them"! The leader said. "Blast'em"!

Barry shot 2 guards, and the rest ran off. Then he and Leon ran after them, and Chris and Claire ran down the other hall.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"! Leon screamed as they chased the guards.

But then they came around a corner, and came face to face with a thousend more guards.

"RUN AWAY"! Leon squealed as they retreated. "RUN AWAY"!

"WOAH"! Barry screamed as they ran from the guards. "THIS HALL IS DANGEROUS"!

A blast door was closing ahead, so they jumped through just in time, escaping from the guards. But then Leon screamed in pain.

"What is this"? Barry asked.

"My ass got caught in the door"! He yelled. "Pull me out, Chuchilla"!

Barry yanked him out, making him scream again, and then they continued running.

Chris and Claire had taken the other path, but had to stop when they came to a large pit.

"What do we do now"? Claire asked.

"I know". Chris said. "We can swing across with this grappling hook".

"I don't know".

"Come on, what could possibly go wrong"?

"That's what I'm thinking about". "You are obviously a dumbass, so you will most likely get us killed".

Chris wasn't listening as he tossed the grapple around a pipe.

"Come on". He said as he grabbed her.

"I really don't think this is a good idea". She argued.

But it was too late. Chris leaped off the edge, and they started swinging. But then the pipe broke, and they screamed as they fell. It probably would have been the end if they had not landed on top of Leon and Barry, who were just entering the hall.

"AHHHHH"! Leon shrieaked. "My back"!

"What is this"?! Barry yelled.

Claire got up, and started kicking Chris in the nuts.

"You stupid ass"! She yelled. "Are you trying to kill all of us"?!

She kicked him a few more times just for good measure, and once everyone was on their feet, they continued toward the ship.

Back in the large room, Liquid ducked down as the guards opened fire, causing them to shoot eachother.

"How the hell did that happen"? Wesker asked as Liquid got up.

"You should be asking yourself how you plan on surviving this". Liquid replied.

"Oh, that's easy". "I will do it like this".

He dashed at Liquid, but Liquid stepped to the side and stuck his foot out, making Wesker eat the floor as he slid across it.

"Now you just lay there, and think about what you've done". Liquid said. "Maybe you'll stop being such a little bitch".

Wesker jumped up and charged again, but Liquid kneed him in the nuts, poked him in the eye, bitch slapped him, and swept his feet out from under him.

"How does that make you feel"? Liquid asked as Wesker got up. "You are correct if it makes you feel like a bitch".

"You have no idea how much I hate you". Wesker said. "But I see that this can only be settled with lightsabers".

"Bring it on, sissy boy".

Wesker raised his blade, and screamed as he ran at Liquid. 


	15. Left Behind

Wesker brought his blade down, but Liquid deflected it, and kicked Wesker in the stomach, making him stumble backwards. Wesker lunged again, but Liquid stepped to the side, and stuck his foot out, making Wesker eat the floor.

"You haven't improved at all since last time". Liquid said as Wesker got back up. "Have you been laying on your ass all this time"?

"Guards"! Wesker screamed. "I need more guards in here"!

Three more guards entered the room, and surrounded him.

"Wesker". Liquid said. "You are without a doubt the biggest, no wait, the third biggest pussy I have ever met".

"Who are the top two"? He asked.

"Chris and Leon, thoes two idiots I brought with me". "But then again, they would never have anyone fight their battles for them".

"Alright, fine". "What do you want me to do"?

"Tell your guards to stay out of this".

Wesker called his guards over to him, and told them to come in closer.

"This is between me and him". Wesker whispered to them. "A matter of honor that must be decided in the most noble of combat". "But if he starts to win, shoot him".

"Yes, sir". The guards replied.

The guards resumed their positions, and Liquid and Wesker activated their lightsabers.

Wesker waisted no time as he rushed at his enemy, swinging his lightsabre like a madman. Liquid responded to this by stepping back to avoid every swing, until he suddenly jumped to the side, making Wesker cut one of his guards in half.

"Is something like that covered in our HMO"? Another guard asked as Wesker kept trying to hit Liquid.

"I don't know". His buddy replied. "But I suddenly think we were better off working at Shadow Moses".

Their conversation was suddenly interupted by Wesker killing one of them.

"Too slow, Wesker". Liquid said as he jumped in front of the last guard.

"BOSS, WAIT"! The last guard screamed.

But it was too late. The last guard was dead, and now Wesker was even more furious then he had been before. He rammed into Liquid as hard as he could, pinning him against the wall. He was forcing his blade down as hard as he could, and Liquid seemed to be having trouble holding it back.

"And now, Liquid". He said. "I will kill you".

It seemed to be the end of Liquid, but at the last second, he reached down to his boot holster, grabbed his blaster, and shot Wesker in the foot.

Wesker screamed as he fell to the floor. He went to swing with the lightsabre, but Liquid shot him in the shoulder, grabbed the lightsabre, and tossed it across the room.

"And now, Wesker". Liquid said. "We will play a new game". "It's called, Let's see how much pain Wesker can take until he beggs for the sweet release of death".

Meanwhile, the others had regrouped, and were just about to the hanger.

"Damn it". Leon said as he saw all the guards. "Why does there have to be so many of them"?

"Well, what did you expect"? Claire asked. "Did you think that they would just leave our only escape route unguarded"?

"It would have been nice".

"WOAH"! Barry screamed. "THIS PLACE

Everyone suddenly clamped their hands over Barry's mouth.

"Chuchilla, are you trying to get us killed"? Leon asked.

"Hey, look". Chris said as they let go of Barry. "They're leaving".

"Is he always so stupid"? Claire asked.

"Yes". Barry and Leon replied.

"No, guys, seriously". Chris continued. "All the guards are leaving".

"BWEEP-BOOP-DWEE-BEEE-DOOP". R2D2 said.

"R2 says". C3PO replied. "That all of the guards are moving to watch a fight of some sort, and that some guy in sunglasses is getting his ass whooped".

"DWEE-BOOP".

"No, I don't think you can get three to one odds".

"BOOP-DWEEP-BEEE-DOOP".

"Well, don't blame me". "I'm an interpreter, not your personal bookie".

"Liquid"? Chris asked.

They all moved closer, and saw that Liquid was beating the shit out of Wesker.

"This is great". Leon said. "Now we can leave while he's distracted".

Back in the large room, Liquid was holding Wesker by the hair, and bashing him in the face with his blaster.

"This is the way I kick your ass". Liquid sang as he hit him. "Kick your ass, kick your ass". "This is the way I kick your ass, so early in the morning".

He hit Wesker one more time, and let him fall to the floor. Then he put his foot on Wesker's chest, and aimed his blaster at his head.

"Well". Liquid said. "As fun as this has been, I'm afraid that you will have to die now".

He was about to fire, when the Alluminum Mallard's engines fired up, and it started to lift off.

"Thoes fuckers". Liquid said as he stepped off of Wesker. "They wouldn't".

Suddenly the ship took off, and vanished from sight. Liquid was so pissed off that he didn't see Wesker grab the lightsabre off the ground.

"THOES MOTHER FUCKERS"! Liquid screamed. "I'M GONNA KILL

He was interupted by Wesker's lightsaber cutting him in half.

"Damn it". Liquid said as he faded away.

Wesker fell to his knees, completely exausted.

"WHAT ARE YOU ALL STANDING AROUND FOR"!? He screamed. "STOP THAT SHIP"! 


	16. The Voice In My Head

The ship continued flying away from the death star, and all on board seemed happy except for Chris.

"I can't believe he's gone". Chris said. "Now how will I ever become a jedi"?

Claire sat down next to him, and put her hand on his shoulder.

"Chris". She said. "I'm not sure of how to say this, so I'm just gonna tell you".

"Tell me what"?

"You will never be a jedi". "Even if Liquid was still alive, it would never happen, and not just because you have the IQ of an eggplant".

"What do you mean"?

"Liquid has been doing this to people like you for atleast as long as I've known him". "He only told you that you could be a jedi so that you would let him abuse and torment you until it wasn't fun for him anymore".

Chris just sat there for a few seconds.

"Well that...". He said. "That...sucks".

Claire patted him on the shoulder, and went to see what was going on in the cockpit.

"Chris". A voice said. "Chriiiiiiiiiiiis".

"Liquid"? Chris asked. "Is that you"?

"No it's the gizzost of Snoop Dog for schizzel, WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK"?!

"But, but, but you died".

"Noticed that, did ya"? "Thanks to you little bastards, I'm a ghost of the force".

"A ghost of the force"?

"Yes, and I am bound to you for all eternity BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"!

"But why"?

"Because you were the only one dumb enough to let me into your mind". "Believe me, I tried to get Claire so that I could watch her in the shower, but now we're stuck togather". "BUT GOOD NEWS"! "I can pass the time by singing show tunes".

"Please, no".

"I feel pretty, so very pretty". "I feel pretty, and witty, and briiiiiiiiiiight"!

Chris screamed as he ran into the cockpit, and made Barry dump his root beer all over himself.

"What is this"? Barry asked.

"IT'S LIQUID"! Chris screamed.

Leon and Claire started looking around.

"Where"? Leon asked.

"HE'S IN MY HEAD"! Chris screamed. "AND HE'S SINGING SHOW TUNES, CAN'T YOU HEAR HIM"?!

They just looked at him and started laughing. Barry also started laughing so hard that he spilled what was left of his root beer all over himself.

"I forgot to tell you the best part". Liquid's voice said. "No one can hear me except for you".

"Oh, no". Chris whispered.

"That's right, Chris". "It's just you and me, now where was I"? "Ah, yes, Who's that pretty girl in the mirror there, what mirror where"?

Chris screamed again as he ran back down the hall.

"Where did you find this guy"? Claire asked.

Chris ran to the back of the ship until he found the droids.

"You have to help me"! He yelled. "Liquid is in my head, and I want him out"!

A panal opened in R2D2, and a cattle prod jammed into Chris's leg. The electric blast made him fly into the wall, and then he collapsed to the floor.

"Did that do it"? He asked in a weak voice.

"BWEEP-DOOOP-DEE-BEEP-DEEP-BEEDOOO-DOOP". R2D2 said.

"R2 says". C3PO translated. "That he has no idea what your problem is".

"Then why did he zap me"? Chris asked.

"DWEEP-BOOP-WEEP-DOO-EEP-BOOO". R2D2 replied.

"R2 says". C3PO continued. "That he has been waiting for a chance to zap you for a long time, and it also seemed like the most effective way to shut you up".

"No one believes you, Chris". Liquid's voice continued. "Now stop interupting my solo". "I am very giddy, and I feel pity, for any girl who isn't me toniiiiiiiiiight"!

"STOP"! Chris screamed as he banged his head on the floor. "PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP"!

"Chris". Leon said as he came into the room. "Stop being a crazy ass for a few minutes, and help me over here".

"What's going on"?

"We got fighters coming in fast, and it's up to us to fight them off".

"But I've never fired a gun before".

"Neither have I, but if we both do the same and some how we fight them off, Claire will be so grateful that she will let us tag team her".

"Really"?

"Sure, I saw it on Deep Space Nine once". "That Captain Sisco is a pimp".

"ALRIGHT, LET'S DO IT"!

They ran for the ship's guns as the fighters came in.


	17. Defend The Ship

Chris and Leon ran toward the ladder that would take them to the gun turrets.

"Dibs on top"! Chris yelled.

"You wish"! Leon replied.

They reached the ladder, and bumped into eachother as they both tried to get on first. They tried to slip in past eachother, then began pushing eachother, and soon they were slapping eachother.

"I'm the captain"! Leon yelled as he slapped Chris. "I get the top gun"!

"Well, I'm the hero of this story"! Chris replied as he pulled Leon's hair. "I should get the top gun"!

Suddenly the ship rocked to the side from enemy gunfire, making them lose their balance. Chris grabbed the side of the wall as Leon stumbled away, and used this opportunity to get onto the ladder. However, he had not gone up two rungs before Leon kicked him in the back of the knees, causing his head to hit every rung as he slid to the bottom gun turret.

"Chris". Liquid's voice said as Leon climbed into the top turret. "Why don't you just kill yourself"?

Chris said nothing as he sat in the seat and looked for the start button.

"Hey, Leon". Chris said over their radio. "How do you work these things"?

"Oh, it's simple". Leon replied. "First you, uh, I mean first you have to, um, well, uh, I think you have to, uh, um...

"You don't know how to use these"?

"This is a garbage scow, for god's sake"! "I didn't even know it had guns until I caught Chuchilla sneaking up here to masturbait".

"But, how can you not know how to work your own ship"?

"Chris, do you know how to use them"?

"Well, no".

"THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP"!

"CHRIS"! Liquid's voice screamed. "PUSH THE YELLOW START BUTTON, YOU DUMBASS"!

Chris pushed the button, and once the gun powered up, Leon did the same thing. Soon they were shooting at the enemy fighters, but since neither of them could aim, it was a wasted effort.

Leon tried to follow a fighter with his gun, but was always just a little bit behind. This made him angry, and in his blind rage he followed the fighter across the hull, putting a dozen rounds into his own ship before he realized what he had done.

He just sat there with a shocked look on his face for a few seconds.

"What happened"? Claire called on the radio.

"I'm really sorry, guys". Leon explained. "But, um, well, they got us".

Seeing that this was going nowhere, Chuchilla suddenly slammed on the breakes, making the fighters crash into the ship, and ending the attack.

"We did it"! Claire yelled.

Barry went to hug her, but she slapped him.

"Don't fucking touch me". She ordered.

Soon Chris and Leon walked into the cockpit.

"No need to thank me". Leon said with a grin. "Droping to your knees and sucking me off would be all the thanks I need".

"Do I have to"? Barry asked.

"NOT YOU, DUMBASS"! "I was talking to Claire".

"My god". Claire replied. "You really are something else, you know that"?

"Yep, and sometimes I even amaze myself".

"That's not hard to believe". "But you are aware that they let us go, right"? "And that they are following us".

"Whatever woman". "No one is following this ship".

"Then what is that thing next to you"?

Leon turned his head as looked at what she was talking about. It was a 7 foot tall, 4 foot wide metal container with a flashing red light on top. And written on it in large lettering was written: "Umbrella Tracking Beacon".

"Does this mean you won't blow me"? Leon asked.

Without warning, Claire leaped out of her chair, and punched Leon in the head. She then kneed him in the stomach, and started ramming his head into the wall.

"Chuchilla, help"! Leon screamed as she tossed him to the floor.

"WOAH"! Barry screamed. "THIS BITCH IS DANGEROUS"!

"God damn you, Chuchilla"!

Leon got up, and swung at Claire, but she caught his wrist, twisted it behind his back, and Leon screamed as she made him shove his own thumb up his ass.

Chris and Barry cringed as they watched this horror being played out.

"With his own thumb, huh"? Liquid's voice asked. "I'll have to remember that one".

Claire then forced Leon over to the toilet, and shoved his face into the water.

"BARRY SAVE LEON"! Barry screamed as he jumped out of his chair.

He ran at full speed toward them, but then the stuffed mouse fell out of Leon's boot, and Barry stopped dead in his tracks.

"MOUSE"! He screamed as his eyes became swirles and all of his facial hair stood on end.

He screamed and ran back toward the cockpit full speed toward the unsuspecting Chris.

"MOUSE"! He screamed as he charged. "MOUSE"!

"Liquid". Chris said as Barry closed in. "What should I do"?

"Shhhhh". Liquid's voice replied. "I don't want to miss this".

Barry suddenly tackled Chris to the floor, and began pounding him with his fists for a few minutes, before grabbing him by his ankles and dragging him back down the hall.

"MOUSE"! Barry screamed as he swung Chris into the air, and back down onto the mouse.

Meanwhile Leon was still being abused by Claire, and once he passed out, she closed the toilet lid on his head, and walked toward Barry.

He continued to slam Chris into the floor in an attempt to kill the evil mouse, but then Claire flicked his nose, and he dropped the unconsious Chris to the floor.

"BAD"! Claire screamed. "VERY BAD"!

Barry looked at her for a second before crying and running back to the cockpit.

"Finally". Claire said. "Some peace and quiet". 


	18. Resistance Base Nine

The Aluminum Malard continued to fly through hyperspace on it's way to where Claire said the rebel base was.

Leon and Chris had finally awoken, and were now sitting in their chairs looking like someone just kicked their asses. Barry was flying the ship, and Claire was messing with the radio.

"Rebel base". She said. "This is Claire Redfield, can you read me"?

There was nothing but static.

"If I were you, Chris". Liquid's voice said. "I'd turn this ship around before she reaches someone".

"What do you mean"? Chris whispered. "She's trying to reach the rebel base".

"You have no idea where we are going, do you"?

"Yeah, the rebel base".

"Chris, do you know what the rebel base is"?

"Um, a base with rebels"?

Liquid started laughing.

"I'll let you find out for yourself". Liquid's voice replied. "You have fun, now".

Suddenly the radio came to life.

"This is the rebel base". A voice said. "We have you on our screen, and you may dock on upper pylon 3".

"Thank you". Claire replied. "See you in a few minutes".

She turned off the radio, and a few minutes later Barry dropped the ship out of warp, allowing them to see the rebel base.

It was Deep Space Nine.

"Dock us over there". Claire said as she pointed to a docking clamp.

Surprisingly enough, Barry docked the ship without a scratch, and soon they exited the airlock, and entered the station. But they had not gone two feet when Chris and Leon were jumped by two men who began beating them, and searching through their pockets.

"I got a wallet"! O'Brian shouted as he punched Leon in the face.

"Credit cards"! Bashier replied as he choked Chris out.

"Sorry we had to do you fellows like this, but how else can we support an 800 dollar a day crack habit"?

O'Brian kicked Leon in the ribs, and they ran off.

"Will you two quit fucking around"? Claire asked as they tried to get up. "We need to see the resistance Captain".

Claire and Barry started down the hall, and Chris and Leon started to follow, when suddenly they were grabbed from behind, and slammed against the wall.

"Trying to sneak onto the station, huh"? Odo asked. "No one gets past me, because I spent the last two hours imitating that light over there".

"Two hours"? Leon asked. "Thats a long time".

"That's nothing". "I once spent an entire week disguised as Kiera's dildo, but it was worth it in the end if you know what I mean". "But don't change the subject, I caught you two sneaking in without clearance". "Everyone needs to be checked for drugs, weapons, sexual torture devices, and the like". "So, do you have any crack on you"?

"No". They both said.

"Well, why not"? "You just don't want to share, huh"? "You think because I'm a cop, I don't like to get high once in awhile"? "Well, I know what to do with stingy non crack sharing mother fuckers like you".

"What do you do"? Chris asked.

"It's a fun little thing called a cavity search".

Odo dragged them to security, and after four hours of screaming and being violated, they were set free.

"Now, you boys behave yourselves". Odo said as he grabbed Chris's ass. "Or else we get to have another little chat". "MUAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHAAH"!

Odo walked back into security, leaving them standing there.

"I can't believe that just happened". Chris said.

"Yeah". Leon replied. "Most of it was horrible".

Suddenly Claire and Barry came around the corner.

"Will you hurry up"? She asked. "The resistance Captain is waiting for us in Ops".

They followed Claire into an elevator, and after a few minutes they stepped out into the rebel base operations room.

"This way". Claire said. "The meeting in his office starts in a few mintues".

They walked into another office, and suddenly Chris and Leon were grabbed again.

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU LITTLE PUNKS"!? Sisco screamed.

"Chris and Leon". They replied. "And you are"?

"WHO AM I"?! "WHO THE FUCK AM I"?! "I'M THE BIGGEST, BADDEST, BALDEST, BLACKEST, AND SCARYEST CAPTAIN IN STARFLEET"! "NOW GIVE ME ONE REASON WHY I SHOULDN'T FUCK YOU UP"!

"Um". Leon replied.

"TOO LATE"!

Sisco tossed Chris across the room, and choke slammed Leon right through the table.

"BITCHES"! Sisco screamed as he went after Chris. "YOU WANNA FUCK WITH ME"?! "I BEEN PIMPIN SINCE PIMPIN'S BEEN PIMPIN"!

"God, this is really turning me on". Dax said as Sisco grabbed Chris.

"Me to". Kiera replied.

Dax and Kiera started making out while Sisco tossed Chris into the just getting up Leon.

"Can you hold on for just a second"? Claire asked. "We have the plans for the death star".

Sisco stopped his assult, and instantly became happy.

"Well, why didn't you just say so"? He asked as he returned to his chair.

Chris and Leon pulled themselves into chairs, and tried their best not to fall over.

"Now". Sisco said. "About thoes plans". 


	19. Plan Of Attack

After showing the plans to Sisco, a larger meeting was called with all of the fighter pilots of the rebellion.

"As you can see". Sisco explained. "All we have to do is fly a suicide mission into an invincible enemy fortress, fly down a gauntlet-like trench that happens to be the perfect place for an ambush, and launch a watermelon sized laser blast into an exaust duct the size of a toilet boul". "Any questions"?

"Uh, Sir"? A pilot asked.

"What is it"?

"You do know that we're a bunch of janitors, right"? "I mean, we only won the last fight with Umbrella because their pilots were laughing at us so hard that they crashed into eachother".

"Your occupation is not important". "What is important is that we are fighting for a noble cause, and that nothing can shatter our resolve".

"Uh, Sir, I'm a bit more worried about our ships shattering".

"Then how about you worry about your nuts shattering"?

Sisco suddenly took out his phaser, and shot the pilot in the balls, making the man fall to the floor screaming.

"Take him away". Sisco ordered. "And reassign him to the Enterprise". "Let's see how he likes working for Captain Picard".

"NO! He screamed as he was dragged away. "NOT PICARD, ANYONE BUT PICARD"! "HE MAKES HIS NEW GUYS PUT ON A DRESS AND SPOON WITH HIM"!

"Now, if there are no more interuptions"?

Sisco looked around the room, and saw that everyone was being quiet. He also realized that he was now one pilot short.

"GOD DAMN IT"! Sisco screamed. "WHERE ARE WE GOING TO FIND A PILOT AT THIS HOUR"?!

"I'll do it, Sir". Chris said as he stood up. "I'm with you, and so are Barry and Leon, right guys"?..."Guys"?

He turned around just in time to see Leon's ship dissapear into hyperspace.

"Good job, Chris". Liquid's voice said. "Why don't you just kill yourself now, and get it over with"?

After finally convincing them that he wasn't joking, Chris was allowed to sit in for the rest of the briefing. Then only five short hours later, they were ready to get going. Everyone moved into the hanger, and Sisco gave the final briefing.

"Men". He said. "This is quite possibly the most dangerous and stupid assignment that you will ever recieve". "It is a suicide mission of such a low survival chance that you should all already be dead from just thinking of doing it". "Now, do anyone of you pussys have any doubts"?

No one said a word.

"Seriously". Sisco continued. "If anyone of you are scared of dying, now is your chance to get out". "If anyone of you is worried about your pretty new wife getting lonely and screwing everyone you hate, step forward and leave".

One pilot stepped forward, and Sisco slapped him in the face.

"You call yourself a janitor"? Sisco asked. "You are nothing but a custodian".

"Aren't thoes the same thing"?

"Only a custodian would think that". "NOW GET OUT OF MY SIGHT"!

He walked away from the group, and Sisco walked over to a security guard.

"Make sure that he doesn't make it down the hall". He whispered.

"Yes, Sir". The guard replied as he went after the pilot.

A few seconds later there was gunfire from down the hall, and Sisco returned to the troops.

"Why are you all still here"? He asked. "Get in your ships, and go kill something"!

The pilots ran toward their ships.

"Get the fuck out of here"! Sisco continued as they climbed into their ships. "GOD I LOVE TELLING WHITE PEOPLE WHAT TO DO, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"!!!!!!!

As soon as the ships were ready, the hanger doors opened, and Chris hit the gas as hard as he could. Unfourtionatly it was in reverse, causing him to crash into three ships, killing the pilots.

"Chris". Liquid's voice said. "How many times do I have to tell you D FOR DRIVE"!

He finally got it into gear, and left the hanger only slightly behind the other ships. Once everyone had left the planet, they regrouped and headed toward the approaching death star.

"This is Suicide Leader". Forest said. "All wings report in".

"Decoy standing by". Joseph replied.

"Sitting Duck standing by". Brad replied.

"Dead Man Walking standing by". Richard replied.

"Fish In A Barrel standing by". Kenneth replied.

"Titanic Passanger standing by". Carlos replied.

"Challenger Pilot standing by". Chris replied.

"Lock S-Foils in attack positions". Forest ordered.

"How do we do that"? Richard asked.

"I don't fucking know". "These things probibly don't even have S-Foils".

"Then why tell us to do it"?

"Because it sounded good, you ass munch". "Now everyone shut the fuck up and let's do this, because I don't want to miss Beauty and the Geek tonight". "Here we go"! 


	20. Assult On The Death Star

"Chris". Liquid's voice said as they approached the death star. "Think about what you're doing".

"I'm flying with the rebels". He replied. "They need my help to destroy Umbrella".

"Ok, Chris, first of all R2D2 has been flying the ship since you crashed into the hanger wall".

Chris tried the controls, and found that they were useless. This explained why he hadn't crashed again since take off.

"Second of all". Liquid's voice continued. "No one needs your help because the only person that you are a danger to is yourself". "Now how about turning this thing around and making a bee line for the nearest bar"?

"No way, Liquid". Chris replied. "This is to important".

Suddenly the ship shot downward as they made their attack run. Everything was going good, right up to the point where the gun turrets started firing, and within 30 seconds everyone except for Chris had been shot down.

"Well, this has been fun". Liquid's voice said as they nearly avoided more gunfire. "Now how about taking manual control and getting us the fuck out of here"?

"How can you just abandon the mission like that"? Chris asked. "I thought you were a jedi".

"Chris did you ever wonder why I was the last surviving jedi"?

"Well, no".

"All of the jedi were killed trying to stop Umbrella from taking over". "Wesker attacked me, so I kicked his ass and ran away like a bitch".

"You didn't stay and fight"?

"Fuck no, you crazy ass". "Now let's get out of here before it's too late".

Suddenly the ship banked hard to the left as R2D2 brought them into the trench. Then the gunfire stopped, and a bunch of Umbrella fighters came up behind them.

"It's Wesker". Liquid's voice said. "Ok Chris, here's what you have to do". "Take manual control, and pull up as hard as you can". "This will make you do a flip, and allow you to kill all of the Umbrella guys from behind".

Chris reached up, and pushed the manual control button.

"Ok, I've got control". He said. "Pulling up".

He moved the controls, and the ship jerked to the side, slamming into the wall, and bouncing into the other one.

"JESUS FUCK, CHRIS"! Liquid's voice screamed as they were bounced around. "CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING RIGHT"?! "HONESTLY, HOW HARD IS IT TO PULL UP"?!

After a few seconds, Chris regained control of the ship, and somehow got them going streight again. Meanwhile, Wesker was trying to get a lock on the last rebel ship.

"This man is an idiot". Wesker said as he adjusted his controls. "This will be a mercy killing".

Suddenly the fighters behind Wesker began exploding, and they looked up to see the Aluminum Malard closing in.

"BARRY SMASH"! Barry screamed as he targeted Wesker's ship.

But his screaming woke Leon from his nap, and he jumped up from his chair.

"CHUCHILLA"! He screamed. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING"?!

He grabbed the controls, and their fighting caused the ship to fly off course, and away from the battle.

"Idiots". Wesker said as he looked back at Chris. "Now, where were we"?

"Chris". Liquid's voice said as Wesker locked on. "We need to get out of here, now"!

The last hit against the wall must have knocked some sense into Chris, because he now realised how scared and stupid he was, and that he had no business here. So he pulled the controls to the right, moving out of the way just as Wesker fired. This caused Wesker's laser shot to enter the duct as Chris flew away.

"This could be bad". Wesker said as he realised what just happened.

The explosion of the death star sent his ship spirling out of control and he flew off into space as Chris, Leon, and Barry headed back toward Deep Space Nine.

"How the fuck did that happen"? Chris and Liquid's voice asked.

Barry began jumping for joy, and Leon might have jumped as well if his fight with Barry had not left him tied to the chair.

"Let's go home, guys". Chris said as he moved the controls.

But the controls were useless since R2D2 took over again to fly them back. 


	21. Homecoming

They docked back at the station, and got out of their ships as the crowd gathered. 

"Remember, Chris". Liquid's voice said. "Tell them that you destroyed the death star". "If they find out what really happened, it won't be good for you".

The crowd finished gathering, and they began telling the tail of what happened.

"I was all alone". Chris said. "Against a hundred umbrella fighters". "I knew that I had to complete the mission, of risk the lives of all my friends".

"He would have been killed". Leon added. "If me and Chuchilla here didn't save his ass".

"Now wait a minute". Barry said. "That's not what

He was interupted by Leon shoving a cheese wedge into his mouth.

"Mmmmmm". Barry said as he ate it. "Barry like cheese".

"We destroyed all of the fighters". Leon continued. "Giving Chris a clear path to destroy the death star and save everyone".

"It all happened so fast". Chris added. "I just saw the duct, and it was pure skill that made it go in".

The crowd cheered, and Barry was about to say something, when Leon showed another cheese wedge into his mouth.

"Mmmmm". Barry said as he ate it. "Cheese".

Claire was starting to think that maybe she had been wrong about Chris and Leon, but then R2D2 and C3PO came in.

"BWEEP DOOP BOOP BEEP". R2D2 said.

"R2 says". C3PO translated. "That their entire story is bullshit".

"DWEEP BOOP DOO WEEP BOO".

"Chris chickened out, letting Wesker's blast destroy the death star".

"BOO DOO WEE DOOOOOO".

"Barry tried to help, but Leon took control and ran away".

"Do you mean to tell me"? Sisco asked. "That these two are cowards and traitors"? "How can it be that the only one who remained true to the cause is this cheese eating fool over here"?

"Cheese good". Barry replied.

The crowd was now angry, and Chris sensed danger.

"It really sucks to be you right now". Liquid's voice said. "But I wouldn't miss this for the world".

"We can explain". Leon said.

"GET THESE MOTHER FUCKERS OUT OF MY SIGHT"! Sisco screamed as his guards grabbed them. "TAKE THEM TO SECURITY FOR A FULL CAVITY SEARCH"!

"Well". Odo said as he grabbed their asses. "It looks like we get to have that little chat after all MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"!

They screamed as Odo took them away, and Sisco turned back to the crowd.

"Claire". He said. "I want you in my office in 10 minutes, wearing something trashy". "And someone give cheese-head here a medal for something".

He walked away as a medal was hung around Barry's neck.

"Mmmmm". Barry said as he kept eating. "Cheese".

THE END


End file.
